the blind sins of tragedy
by psychicchameleon
Summary: Cammie stands and watches as her four-year-old son kneels down next to his father's headstone and kisses the ground in front of it. Mesmerized, she witnesses her child say, "I wanna be just like you when I grow up daddy."


_So… I read this quote and immediately this story wrote itself in my mind. Positive feedback and critiquing are both very appreciated. I hope you like it!_

**_"If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?"  
_**_- Jodi Picoult_

Cameron Morgan glanced into her rear-view mirror at the small boy leaning his head against the car window. For the umpteenth time, she wished things weren't the way they were. A small bundle of flowers rested in the passenger seat, the scent of roses filling the small space.

She sighed, a deep breath to fill her lungs and an exhale to clear her mind. Her hair fell carelessly around her shoulders and the bags underneath her eyes were prominent. She subconsciously took a right turn on the next road, the route imprinted in her mind from the repetitious visits.

Another right turn led her into the cemetery and a look into the mirror showed a groggy four year old sitting upright in his booster seat.

"Mama, are we there yet?" His eyes searched through the tinted glass at the rows of white headstones.

"Just a few more minutes bud." She forced a smile, not quite meeting his emerald eyes; eyes that were heartbreakingly familiar.

The particular grave was towards the back, an attempt at not drawing attention to a name that wasn't supposed to exist to the normal world.

"Are we there yet?"

"No!" She snapped, the anger and denial lacing her tone. The child looked at his dangling feet and didn't dare to make another sound. Cammie almost felt sorry. Almost.

Things had changed within her, she wouldn't deny it. She had grown cold and distant from the people who had meant the world to her at one point. Macey and Liz were careful around her, never daring to say something about her new behavior. Bex, on the other hand, wasn't so relenting.

_ "Cammie. I know it hurts and I would do anything to bring him back, but you have to move on. There are people who need you and you're shutting them out. Do you really want Carter to grow up by himself, without the one parent he still has?_

_ "It's his fault. No, it's my fault for wanting a baby. If I hadn't gone into labor Zach wouldn't have gone alone and he would still be here." _

_ "Maybe all of that is true and maybe it isn't, but I know one thing for sure; you have a child and a responsibility for him. Zach wanted a baby so bad, and I know that he would want you to be a mom even if he has to watch over you two from heaven."_

_ "I knew this would happen. Spies can't have kids."_

_ "Are you going to sit here and keep whining about what you lost or are you going to go love and protect what you still have? Don't let Carter slip away too Cammie, because no matter how blind you are right now, you love him and wouldn't change a thing, and neither would Zach."_

Bex's words rang in Cammie's ears like a ghostly message on repeat. She glanced back again and saw her son resting his forehead against the glass with condensation forming from his breaths. She brought the car to a stop.

"Carter, we're here." The doors opened and the two stepped out, Carter landing on his feet with a thud. Her eyes scanned the graveyard before landing on the headstone she was looking for.

"Follow me." Her voice was gentle, the most mother-like it had been all day. She guided Carter and stopped in front a granite marker that read 'Zachary James Goode'. The tears immediately welled in her eyes and her throat burned.

"Mama, is this where daddy lives?" A sob escaped her taut lips. She had told Carter of his father's death, but had never had the heart to bring him to Zach's resting place. To be truthful, she hadn't done much with her son except for dropping him off at his daycare. If it wasn't for him Zach would still be here. She knew she should've never had a child. And why did he have to look so much like his father? It was a constant reminder of what she had lost.

She forced herself to look at him, only to see him sitting cross-legged on the ground.

"Hi dad. My name's Carter. Wanna play with me?" He pulled two cars out of his pocket.

"The red one is my favorite but you can have it today." Carter set the toy a few inches from where he was seated and began racing the small blue car along the ground.

"Mama says that you had to go to heaven and that you can't talk to me, but that's okay. I can talk extra. I like talking." He smiled at the empty space in front of him as if an actual person were sitting by his side.

"I'm four and a half years old," He holds up four fingers and a knuckle, "And my favorite color is red. But you probly know all that stuff already."

Cammie wasn't quite sure how long they sat there, Carter talking and her watching in awe. After a little while she sat beside him, not even bothered that she was getting her white sundress dirty.

"Mama, do you wanna talk to daddy?" She fumbles for words, thinking it would be stupid of her to talk to no one. Carter, sensing her hesitation said, "It's ok 'cause dad's a really good hear-er."

She sat for a moment in silence, still not sure of herself.

"Uh, hi, Zach. I don't really know what to stay except that… I miss you." She brushes a strand of her hair from her face to glance at Carter who beams at her.

"We miss you daddy." He says. She doesn't know what triggers it, but she finds herself suddenly telling him about his father. After every story, Carter's transfixed eyes sparkle just a little bit more. Hours pass with Cammie telling her son about his daddy's legacy.

Night comes too quickly she thinks as she rises to her feet. Carter follows suit, picking up his blue car but leaving the red one.

"Now you have something to 'member me with daddy." He smiles. She takes his hand and they turn to leave. Their feet only travel a few steps before Carter spins around toward the grave.

Cammie stands and watches as her four-year-old son kneels down next to his father's headstone and kisses the ground in front of it. Mesmerized, she witnesses her child say, "I wanna be just like you when I grow up daddy."

It is in that moment that she realizes everything she's been blind to for years. It wasn't fair to blame her son for her husband's death. Life can be cruel and there is nothing you can do about it. Yes, it was tragic and heartbreakingly sad, but she didn't have to let it consume her. She had always thought that she had nothing left; that her soul was taken with Zach's from this world, and that she was empty. But she was so incredibly wrong.

When she looked in Carter's eyes her heart was filled with sadness, but not anymore. She saw him for what he really was; a blessing. Carter _was _a constant reminder of Zach, but that didn't have to make her sad. It should make her absolutely ecstatic that she had a little piece of Zach living and breathing and calling her mom. The distance she had put between her and her son would no longer exist. From now on, she would be a good mother for Carter. She really did love her son; she had just become so blind by the loss that she was oblivious to everything she had gained.

The whole in her heart that seemed unfillable was now closed, it had always been. She just hadn't realized it.

"Mama?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." He smiled up at her.

"I love you too." And for the first time in a while, she smiled back.

_Thanks for reading!_

_-psychicchameleon_


End file.
